Meant to get your hackles up - Dating

[La Princess]

schmacko said:

It's a weird thing...

Everyone wants to be rescued, yet they don't want to rescue others.

Everyone wants to be babied; they don't want to be independent or take care of others.

Everyone wants to be worshipped in a relationship, and they don't want to worship back.

I get the feeling most relationships are based on NEEDS. People compromise so that they can get some semblence of what they want. they don't communicate for fear that their selfish wants will sound....well...selfish!

I'd love to see where two people look at each other and say, "Well, there's someone I can team up with - who i will want to support and whom I want to support me - and we'll go at this life together." No, instead we get:
"Rescue ME!"
"Worship ME!"
"Support ME!"
"Baby ME!"

When you say support, you mean emotionally? My support coments meant financial support. I think everyone wants someone to support them emotionally.

[xxx]

Well being somewhat of a secretly submissive nature, Its in me to want to take care of the person I love & his needs.. so I have to kind of dissagree to a certain extent.. however I *do* have the womanly aspect to me that needs to feel needed & loves to be loved. (oh great now Im going to have the peter gabriel song stuck in my head all day LOL)

[La Princess]

When I say emotional support, I'm thinking more in the "I'm having a bad day at work. Can you cheer me up" kind of thing. Not the "I have severe emotional problems. Can you help me". I hope this makes sense.

[schmacko]

I guess this is partially what I am responding to:

One friend, when she was younger, had this picture of being a cross between Donna Reed and Frida Kahlo - she wanted to be that hip artist-mommy who had a man support her and the kids financially. She's not very "home-maker"-oriented, so she was also hoping for someone with enough money to hire a nanny (so she could paint) and a maid/cook. Did she share this with anyone? No! Because if she ever did, she wouldn't have gotten past the first date. It's a selfish way of looking at marriage, financial responsibility, and maternity. She's still not married. She's adjusted her dreams a bit.

I wonder where she'd be today if instead of looking for someone who could support her, she tried looking for someone whose dreams she could have supported. (Financially and emotionally.)


Conversely, I have a friend who only married his wife because she threatened to leave him if he didn't commit. Now, this sounds weird, but all of his friends REALLY FELT that he should marry, because the guy needed to settle down and take some responsibility some. He was always getting drunk, getting into debt, shirking responsibility, getting fired, missing work. His wife is good for him; she nags him into a structure and responsibility. They had a kid. Now, I will say I absolutely think the wife is AMAZING but she is a bit pushy and she also sometimes panics unnecessarily. She quit her VERY LUCRATIVE hair specialty job (think TV hair/make-up for stars) to raise the kid, but I don't think this was negotiated as clearly as it should have been. My friend is an in-work/out-of-work stunt artist, and he used to often quit jobs for no good reason (not wanting responsibility, I believe), and now that he's the only income, he resents it. He now HAS to stick with his jobs. So he acts like a child. He acts like his own son is a burden, and he doesn't spend time with the kid to give the wife a break. He says he doesn't have to spend time with the kid or help the wife since he's working all day to provide an income - that should be enough, according to him. He privately gets loans against their house without telling her so he can buy himself a motorcycle. I think he's trying to force her back to work, but she's less willing to, because she's not sure how the child will be taken care of if she works (HE hasn't shown any initiative in this area). It's like the woman has TWO KIDS and one of them has credit and massive tantrums!

[2007]

I know that people are born to make mistakes and my mistake was to fall in love with selfish and spoiled men.. but no more! I've learned so much from my mistakes and now I'm really enjoying the luxury of being single and I shut up some of my friends who keep going on and on about that I should be in a relationship.. I hate to force things, if something nice comes along, fine! But I'm not going to be in a silly, selfish relationship or marriage just to say that I have someone in my life.

0:-)

[Carina]

schmacko said:

I'd love to see where two people look at each other and say, "Well, there's someone I can team up with - who i will want to support and whom I want to support me - and we'll go at this life together."

Having been married for nearly 12 years, all of those years not necessarily being good ones, I can honestly say that the years of my marriage, where the mindset you describe prevailed, were/are the good years.

[cherryflute]

I am quite happily married, pregnant with our first child and I am 38 years old. I have a Master of Arts degree in flute performance and I can support myself very well.

I almost married my hairdresser boyfriend, but most of that stopped when he had financial problems. He claims that because he is dyslexic, he didn't read the fine print on the line of credit he took out to build his salon(not that I'm not sympathetic to dyslexia, but he really used it as a crutch). I just saw myself as having to take care of me WAY more than he could take care of me.....then he was also very jealous of my male friends and co-workers(as a musician, I work with alot of males) and would get mad if he felt I dressed to impress.... Before that I dated long distance, younger men who had many other problems. I was just not ready to make a commitment.

The one thing kissing all these frogs did for me, was to figure out what I needed. I knew I needed someone who would compliment my life, rather than wanting to be something I wasn't.

I found my husband on Match.com. We met 5 years ago tomorrow(after emailing a bit and talking on the phone). I met three other guys from Match, and Marc was the one that fit. He has a job, is easy to talk to, has goals and and isn't afraid to ask for help when he needs it. He has a great sense of humor and he treats me very well. I didn't want to be a princess- I wanted to be more of an equal- he does find me attractive and enjoys being around me, so those are good points. He's also good with my crazy family and understands when I need a buffer. We travel well together and we try to give each other space when we need it. One of the best things is that he is building a house for us(he's a licensed architect) and I feel that alot of my fears about becoming a mother and dealing with a baby are calmed by knowing that he will be around to help- and that he's looking forward to that.

My brother, when he's single(he's married now) does seem to attract women who have children. I think he wants to save them(he's been married twice- and did adopt his current wife's daughter, and they have two of their own). This has worked for him, in some instances, but I know his first wife really just wanted the daddy for her child. My poor brother wanted alot more!

My mother told me once that she married my dad because she needed someone. She was 22, he 24 and my Mother had lost her father at age 18. I think she was depressed at home and thought a nice American guy would get her out of her family situation. Plenty of folks get married for worse, but as for me, I didn't really need someone to fill something- but someone as a team player. Of course, it doesn't hurt that he adores me and tells me I'm beautiful.

[RioDuranie]

Too many people dream of a perfect relationship that in 95% of the time doesnt exist.

When I met my ex in 89 I wasnt looking for some one he just happened to be there, things worked out wonderful for over 10 years. He choose a different lifestyle that didnt include the children and I.

I hate being single I would love for there to be some one. I'm not looking, I have a fear of a broken heart again that scares me more then anything. So staying single will be just fine. If some one comes along then they do.

perhaps on a white stallion (LOL)

[Carina]

rioduranie said:

Too many people dream of a perfect relationship that in 95% of the time doesn't exist.

A more perfect quote never existed. All normal relationship have their ups and downs...it's how a couple works through those down times that defines the relationship.

When Mario and I went through a five-year down period, I remember that he was always getting upset at my saying that a marriage was work. He felt that the stars aligned, and we should *both* feel we were perfectly matched. Horseshit...and I told him as much. Love is a feeling that can't be denied, but a relationship is always a work-in-progress.

It is probably telling that our up time, which continues now with the normal, inevitable, and resolvable bumps in the road, was when he was no longer viewing our relationship as a match made in heaven that required no work on anyone's part.

[Naner]

*raises hand*
Over 30 single and fooking sick of it out there. Im tired I have had enough. Yes and they call us "Cougars" eek . Just print the old maid card with my picture on it and get it over with. lol
I could go on and on yet Im tired so very tired lol